Ask Dirty Harry!

Harry Callahan, Inspector 71 of the San Francisco Police Department Takes Your Calls!

"A Man's Got To Know His Limitations."

Anonymous asks: "So Harry i have some problems with a few friends. They wont talk to me anymore and are being complete jerks. What do you think i should do to get them to listen to me???"

The next time you see these friends, grab them by the collar and say "Listen, punk. To me you're nothin' but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits ya!" That should straighten them out.

Blueman would like to know: "There is this girl I've known for a few years. She keeps sending me mixed signals. Every time I pursue she disappears for a few weeks, only to show back up and rub her chest on me like I'm supposed to do something about it. Then when I try, I get red carded and sent to the penalty box. What should I do?"

When she starts giving you signals be playful, yet slightly disinterested. As soon as she asks "What's a girl got to do to go to bed with you?" smile and respond "Try knocking on the door?"

Michelle was wondering: "If the pope shits in the woods, and a butterfly flaps it's wings, will it snow next week?"

Hypothetical situation, huh? All right, I'm standing on the street corner, and Mrs. Grey there comes up and propositions me. She says if I come home with her, for $5 she'll put on an exhibition with a Shetland pony...

Gregor's gots to know: "Do y'all's people eat oatmeal?"

Of course. Why, you ask? Because nobody, but nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog anymore!

Sheriff Bart was curious about: "Where the white women at?"

It keeps comin' up hookers. Check Buchinski's. For $75, you get to make it with a rubber dolly.

(Previously recorded. Do not call in.)