BIG TUNA: An Exposé

Big Tuna. For years it has used its corporate powers to sway the masses into believing the "Fish is good for you!" and "Fish food is Brain Food!" and most recently "Omega-3 Fatty Acids are good for your heart!" Big Tuna, preying on the health concerns of Big Beef, while hiding a deep, dark secret: Mercury Content.

The next time you order a Tuna Salad Sandwich, ask yourself: "Would I eat a thermometer? What about a rectal thermometer?"

That's what I thought. And that's what some brave activists thought when they, having curbed the menace of smoking by installing a army of militant anti-smokers (anti-tobacco-smokers only. Illegal substances are still ok, per these activists) decided to expose Big Tuna's Mercury Content! Now normally I don't have nice things to say about activists. Usually it's something like Stupid-Filthy-Pot-Smoking-Good-For-Nothing-Unbathed-Herpes-Infested-Clap-Having-Hippie-Bastards! But in this case, I'm singing a different tune! Way to go you Intellegent-Filthy-Pot-Smoking-Good-For-Nothing-Unbathed-Herpes-Infested-Clap-Having-Hippie-Bastards!

Big Fish has been peddling its poison in many ways to the American people. Using sex appeal:

"Hello, boys!"

And even marketing to children!!

Charlie Tuna, a greater threat to the youth of America than Joe Camel

Of course, it hasn't been smooth sailing for Big Tuna in recent years. Let's not forget the whole dolphin/tuna confusion a few years back, in which dolphin meat was "accidentally" added to tuna when these dolphins "accnidentally" swam into the nets the Tuna Fisherman were using. Sure, the dolphin meat added a little extra zip to the tuna, but dolphins are mammals! And we prefer to edible mammals to be land bound, thank you very much!

Mistaken for Tuna

Now Big Tuna has a bigger problem: Mercury. They have countered these allegations with "unless you're lunching on a Moby Dick sandwich, there's no reason to worry."

Ooooo, good come-back.

But as our activist-hippie friends have pointed out, how do we know we aren't lunching on a Moby Dick sandwich? After all, I haven't seen a can of the pictured product on any store shelves? So where is all that whale meat going, if not into whale meat cans? Tuna fish cans! Their greatest minds, expanded through years of pharmaceutical use, have determined that ONE Blue Whale is enough to make 960,000 cans of Tuna. Here is what one such mind had to say:

"Yeah man. 'Cause it's gotta be easier to catch just ONE whale than like a million tuna fishies. Have you seen my bong?"

So I say it is time we stand next to our over-protective hippie bretheren (not too close until they discover the miracle of "soap") and demand that Big Tuna make their product safe for not only dolphins, but every blow-holed mammal. Because while I can rest assured I'm not snacking on Flipper, I would like to know that my deli sandwich is not a Shamu that couldn't quite jump through the hoop.

Because it's all about the mercury content. And the children! Won't someone please think of the children!