We Don't Need Another Hero?

Hold the phone, Tina Turner! I think we do!

It seems that more and more attention is being put on the decay of society and the loss of our "moral fabric." Although many theories exist as to why this is (Corrupt politicians, sex on TV, drugs in schools, etc) I'm here to tell you that they are all wrong. No, the reason that society is this way is because we simply don't have any heroes.

Look at who we have as "hero figures" in sports today:

• Barry Bonds: Alleged steriod use. Whether that is good or bad doesn't matter, but it does mean he's an "enhanced hero" and not a genuine hero. Kind of like Popeye or the Six Million Dollar Man.
  
  
• Lance Armstong: Sure, the man walked on the moon but now his only claim to fame is biking in France and starting a Global Pandemic of rubber bracelets!
  
  
• Dale Earnhart Jr: The man is a poster child for subliminal Darwinism! He's driving a car at high speeds with Budweiser written all over it. Think about it!

No, we need to look back at a real sports hero. Someone like Babe Ruth.

A real man isn't afraid to be a little chunky

Babe Ruth has hero written all over him. Number One in Baseball's 100 Greatest Players. Not only that, but Yankee Stadium is known as "the House that Ruth Built." They don't mean Dr. Ruth. And they aren't speaking metaphorically, either. Babe Ruth built Yankee Stadium all by himself with his bare hands¹.

And he was the proto-role model athlete! Drinking profusely, chasing women while married, excessive profanity, reckless driving! That's like having Steve McNair, Kobe Bryant, Mike Ditka, and Ben Roethlisberger all rolled into one! If only Babe Ruth would have been visionary enough to take a bite out of Joe DiMaggio's ear, then we could throw Mike Tyson in there as well. Needless to say, the man set the bar.

But what many don't know is that one year after being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, Babe Ruth perished in the Hindenburg disaster of 1937. Babe Ruth took death on and won, coming back to life two weeks later. The challenge left him riddled with cancer, which claimed his life a decade later.

Babe Ruth-R: 3 H: 5 E: 0 Death-R:2 H: 7 E: 1

So, we don't have any good sports heroes. But what about the movies? Surely we have some heroes there!

• Keanu Reeves: Sadly, not in this summer's Superman film. Which is a pity because while he would have not made the best Superman, the role does have quite the impact on the lives of Reeves who have played him².
  
  
• Jack Black: Um, he can't really be called a hero, since he never really is anything other than Jack Black.
  
  
• Brad Pitt: Whipped by Angelina Jolie. Admittedly, a formidable opponent, but still.

Again, we look to our history for a true hero: John "The Duke" Wayne!!

"I never trust a man that doesn't drink."

Yes sir. The Duke. What can be said about John Wayne that hasn't been said before? Well, there are some things that you don't know about John Wayne. Sure, the big thing these days is how bad Chuck Norris is. When Chuck Norris has nightmares, they're about John Wayne:

1. Actually gouged out his own eye for the role of Rooster Cogburn in True Grit. It grew back and had to be regouged out when he reprised the role six years later.
   
2. Would have been deployed to Vietnam in a decisive move that would have won the war for the US except that his use would have violated the Geneva Convention³.
   
3. Would relax with fellow actor Gary Cooper by shooting each other in the chest.
   
4. Maureen O'Hara enjoyed getting spanked with the shovel at the hands of John Wayne in McLintock! so much she was unable to become aroused after the film without viewing that scene.
   
5. Underwent surgery for an enlarged prostate in 1976. That prostate went on to become Colin Farrell⁴.
   
6. John Wayne is not dead. He's biding his time.
   

As you can see, they don't get more heroic than the Duke. So, compared to these two giants, where do our current heroes stand? In the shadows crying for their mommies, that's where.

So, Tina Turner, we are finally beyond Thunderdome, and yes, we do need another hero!

¹Technically, only one hand. He would whip himself with his right hand to get himself to work faster.
²George Reeves: Superman in 1950s TV series (suicide) Christopher Reeves: Superman in 1980s films (hurt riding horsey)^5
3There also would have been no way of stopping him from taking China and the Soviet Union as well.
⁴And not much has changed.
⁵I'm going the extra mile in the name of bad taste.