The Ladies Guide To Talking To Guys About Cars

Having recently purchased a new car, and having several friends that are in the market for new cars, I have noticed a distrubing trend in how women talk about cars. You may not know it, but your innocent comments about a man's car can significantly affect that man's self-esteem. As such, I present to you a few rules to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings:

1. A man's car is an extention of his masculinity.
   When a man buys a car, he is buying an important extention of himself. In some cases, the car may not only be an extention, but compensation for a self-percieved short coming. In either case, it is important that you do not belittle this extention because when you belittle a man's car, you belittle the man.
   
   

   The man who owns this car is clearly not compensating for anything. But you don't want to give him a reason to think that he should be

   
   
   

   There is a good chance this man may be compensating for some shortcoming. He may have no reason to, but any insult to this vehicle could be disasterous to his self-esteem.

   
   
   
2. Never ever call a man's car "Cute"
   Men do not drive cute cars. In fact, a man doesn't even think about it when he is selecting his vehicle. The man sees accelleration, horsepower, compression ratios, handling, shocks, top speeds and other manly technical things. As such, he would never see his car as "cute." Having his car called "cute" brings all of the reasons he bought the car into question. Did he make the right choice?
   
   Basically, if a car were a woman, a man would sleep with it because of the things mentioned above and not its appearance. To put it simply, more men would sleep with an Aston Martin Vanquish than they would a VW Beetle. Sure, the Beetle is "cute," but the Aston Martin fulfills a man's needs more.
   
   

   Hot!

   
   
   

   Not...

   
   
   Other things not to call a car: Pretty, Lovely, Bonny, Adorable, Darling
   
   
3. Speed and Agility versus Torque and Horsepower
   Some men prefer a car with a lot of torque and horsepower. These would be muscle cars. They have power and balls. They are manly cars. Other men prefer cars with speed and agility. It is important to know that these reasons stem from the same need: The need for speed. Muscle cars can go really fast...in a straight line. Then there are the sports cars that can go really fast and handle well. They may or may not be able to go as fast as the muscle cars, but they can handle turns at speed really well.
   
   

   Power/Weight Ratio: 0.082¹

   
   
   

   Power/Weight Ratio: 0.068

   
   
   As such, don't assume that the car is not manly. And worse, don't assume that the owner thinks this. You could be quite surprised.
   

These are just a few simple rules. The first is the most important. As long as you keep that in mind when talking about a man's car you should be safe.

Fortunately for you ladies, if you do happen to insult your man's car (and therefore your man), keep in mind that your man will not resort to any revenge tactics such as "withholding sex.²" Chances are they will instead do something to reinforce the manliness your thoughtless comment robbed from them: be it buying a new car, getting a gym membership, or banging a supermodel³.



¹I would have bought a Mustang GT convertible, but my family has a bad track record of Mustang Survival: My father has totaled two of them.
²Unless they own an Aston Martin. Then you may be out of luck.
³They may settle for banging you. If they do, it is just to prove their virility. Remember, you did just insult them on an extremely personal level.