June 22:

A Date That Will Live In Mediocrity...

Yes, June 22 is a boring day in history. Sure, Joe Lewis won the title from Jim Braddock on this date in 1937, but ever since seeing Cinderella Man, I made a promise to myself never to speak of Jim Braddock's short comings. Not because of the inspirational nature of the story, but because he was married to a woman like Renée Zellweger. Honestly, that man must have taken one to many blows to the head if he settled for that.

But, enough unfounded attacks on Renée Zellweger. Russell Crowe probably threw a phone or two at her anyway...

So, aside from that, not a whole lot happened.

FDR signed the GI Bill in 1944. If I recall, this lead to the successful BM legislature of 1945.

Germany launched Operation Barbarossa in 1941, thus invading Russia. There is a film adaptation of this historic event that was released in 1968 starring Jane Fonda. The story passed through the hands of a number or writers, each taking their own liberties with the historic account. In the end the title had changed to Barbarella and was less about Germans marching into Russia and more about a woman taking sex into space. But, it did give us Duran Duran!

"Girls on Film!"

Lets see, what else. 1864: General Lee strikes back at Petersburg. While this is turning out to be a bad day for Russia, it's good to see the "Good Ol' Boys" were doing their part to fight communism!

HUAC File Photo

1934: Porsche builds a prototype automobile. Although, this Porsche would ultimately become a Volkswagon. Talk about depreciation!

And finally, in 1775, the Continental currency hits the streets. The first paper printed money in the US, backed by Spanish Dollar. More commonly known as the peso or (in buccaneer-lingo) the infamous "pieces of eight" (GYAR!). Surprisingly, this paper money was prone to counterfeiting and rapidly lost its value. Which is suprising since its value was backed by a peso. Even more interesting is that now, 231 years later, American businesses actually prefer to pay their workers in pesos, by relocating jobs to Mexico (most recently, Lego) and not dollars. This is the driving force behind moving jobs to Mexico, but not allowing Mexicans into America. It's the way the Founding Fathers wanted it to be!

Bloody Caesar (Minimum Octane Rating: 93)

Recently, an interesting product came to my attention: Mott's Clamato Energia. Behold its baffling glory:

Tomato Juice + Clam Juice + Energy...um...juice?

Yes! For all of you wondering "When will my cries for a beverage that combines the veggie goodness of tomato drippings with the fishy clamminess of clam squeezings with the kick of an energy drink be answered?" That time...is NOW!

Cadbury-Schweppes, makers of such delicious products as "Cadbury Cream Eggs" and "Schweppes Ginger Ale" not to mention "A&W Root Beer" and "Dr Pepper" have decided to break away from making things that are "tasty" and "delicious" and try to mix things that are "repulsive" and "vile."

But why would they do such a thing to us? The answer is closer than we think: Canada.

That's right, Canada's favorite drink is the Bloddy Caesar. Which is basically a Bloody Mary with clam juice. "Et tu, Brute, eh?"

That makes sense for the plain, non-energied Clamato, but the Energia? Why? Again, when I worked as a bartender, I made a mean Bloody Mary (Thanks Ric Foytik!), but the people that would generally order them were older. Sure, the college crowd would have one to chase a hangover, but it would be the older crowd that would order three or four.

So is this like the Chrysler Town and Country of alcoholic energy drinks? "Wait a minute, honey. We have kids so we really shouldn't do that Jägie Bomb. Let's have a Bloody Caesar instead!"

Hyperactive, drunk, old people. As if they weren't bad enough drivers to begin with.

BIG TUNA: An Exposé

Big Tuna. For years it has used its corporate powers to sway the masses into believing the "Fish is good for you!" and "Fish food is Brain Food!" and most recently "Omega-3 Fatty Acids are good for your heart!" Big Tuna, preying on the health concerns of Big Beef, while hiding a deep, dark secret: Mercury Content.

The next time you order a Tuna Salad Sandwich, ask yourself: "Would I eat a thermometer? What about a rectal thermometer?"

That's what I thought. And that's what some brave activists thought when they, having curbed the menace of smoking by installing a army of militant anti-smokers (anti-tobacco-smokers only. Illegal substances are still ok, per these activists) decided to expose Big Tuna's Mercury Content! Now normally I don't have nice things to say about activists. Usually it's something like Stupid-Filthy-Pot-Smoking-Good-For-Nothing-Unbathed-Herpes-Infested-Clap-Having-Hippie-Bastards! But in this case, I'm singing a different tune! Way to go you Intellegent-Filthy-Pot-Smoking-Good-For-Nothing-Unbathed-Herpes-Infested-Clap-Having-Hippie-Bastards!

Big Fish has been peddling its poison in many ways to the American people. Using sex appeal:

"Hello, boys!"

And even marketing to children!!

Charlie Tuna, a greater threat to the youth of America than Joe Camel

Of course, it hasn't been smooth sailing for Big Tuna in recent years. Let's not forget the whole dolphin/tuna confusion a few years back, in which dolphin meat was "accidentally" added to tuna when these dolphins "accnidentally" swam into the nets the Tuna Fisherman were using. Sure, the dolphin meat added a little extra zip to the tuna, but dolphins are mammals! And we prefer to edible mammals to be land bound, thank you very much!

Mistaken for Tuna

Now Big Tuna has a bigger problem: Mercury. They have countered these allegations with "unless you're lunching on a Moby Dick sandwich, there's no reason to worry."

Ooooo, good come-back.

But as our activist-hippie friends have pointed out, how do we know we aren't lunching on a Moby Dick sandwich? After all, I haven't seen a can of the pictured product on any store shelves? So where is all that whale meat going, if not into whale meat cans? Tuna fish cans! Their greatest minds, expanded through years of pharmaceutical use, have determined that ONE Blue Whale is enough to make 960,000 cans of Tuna. Here is what one such mind had to say:

"Yeah man. 'Cause it's gotta be easier to catch just ONE whale than like a million tuna fishies. Have you seen my bong?"

So I say it is time we stand next to our over-protective hippie bretheren (not too close until they discover the miracle of "soap") and demand that Big Tuna make their product safe for not only dolphins, but every blow-holed mammal. Because while I can rest assured I'm not snacking on Flipper, I would like to know that my deli sandwich is not a Shamu that couldn't quite jump through the hoop.

Because it's all about the mercury content. And the children! Won't someone please think of the children!

Consume...Exert...OBEY

There was an interesting news item on CNN today about CEO salaries. The debate: Should CEO salaries be made public? Jeffery Pfeffer of Stanford University doesn't think so. Here is what he had to say on CNN's In The Money today:

"The more we talk about these things and the more public and more public attention there is, the higher the salaries are going to go, and that's because people compare themselves to other people."

I couldn't disagree more! The issue at hand is soaring and out of control CEO compensation. This implies that we are paying our CEOs more than they are worth! Personally, I feel that 170 times the average income is NOT more than these people are worth.

Why?

Because these people ARE American Business. It isn't the workers or the rank-in-file. It's the CEO. Without the CEO, how would everyone else know what to do? And when to do it by? And what would we do with our surplus of stock options?

Thomas Hobbes once said that life is "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short." Well, the CEOs make sure life stays that way. Hobbes goes on stating that society exists beneath an authority. He said this in The Leviathan, which serves as the philosophical foundation for modern Western political philosophy, which means it's right! Don't question it!

So how can we as a society question those who are our authority? Why should we? This authority guarantees us security. In this case, job security. Which we all have, except those of us facing lay-offs, downsizing, off-shoring, and corporate bankruptcy. But aside from that, these CEOs have our security in mind. Right behind the security of their bottom line. But it's up there on their list.

Still don't believe me?

Well, lets take a look at some contemporary CEOs as examples of how vital they are and how much they have contributed to the health, security and well-being of those who live solely to serve them:

First up, Ken Lay. Kenny-Poo made $67.4M/year salary (with a BONUS!) as the Divine Right Executive Officer of Enron. However, after he left the company stocks plummeted 99.8
nd there were over 6,000 lay-offs! See how important he was! None of that would have happened if he would have been allowed to remain in command and continue his off-the-book partnerships to hide the company debt and inflate profits.

Ken Lay

Next we have Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco Itnl. Ltd. When Dennis quit the company to devote his time to addressing the 11 felony charges against him stocks in Tyco Intl dropped 55
nd there were an alarming 11,000 lay-offs. As you can see, no CEO, no job security. So what if the man was using company money to buy art and houses. He only made $1.65M a year (plus a $4M bonus...and $30.4M in restricted stock awards...and $1.4M in stock options)! How can you afford to throw your wife a party with an ice scupture of the statue of David urinating vodka into the punchbowl? At that price, you'd have to call your old frat buddy to do the same thing! And he ain't no statue of David. David the Gnome maybe.

Dennis, seen here with fellow CEO Martha Stewart

Last up, Bernard Ebbers of WorldCom. Bernie was FORCED to quit. Why? Because he borrowed $408M to cover some margin calls. Hey, he borrowed it! He was going to pay it back...as soon as one of the margin calls paid off. Honest. He told me. Since being ousted, WorldCom had to FIRE (not even lay off but FIRE) 17,000 people. And their stocks shot through the floor, losing 96.9When Bernie was running the company he effectively hid $3.85 Billion in loses to post a profit, thus keeping stocks afloat and people in their jobs! Do you know how hard it is to hide three billion dollars?! That is why he was a CEO and that's why he made $1M a year!

Bernard Ebbers addressing his employees

The list goes on. For more, check out Citizen Works. So we shouldn't be complaining that our Chief Executive Overlords Officers are making hundreds of times more than we are! No, we should be happy. Their guile and deception keeps us in jobs working for companies that are one whistle-blower away from total collapse. So the next time your CEO takes a break from day trading on E-Trade and comes down from his Ivory Tower, make sure you go out of your way to kiss his butt.

Slip him the tongue too. He's earned it.

Besides, it's only a matter of time before we sans-culottes or those of us without pants, rise up against them. But if I were them, I'd be more afraid of the sans-douilles or those of us without sleeves. Especially those without sleeves with a penchant for chewing bubble-gum. Because when they run out of bubble-gum...

"We have come here to chew bubble-gum and kick ass...and we're all out of bubble-gum."

And no. I'm not wearing any pants right now.