Friday Night Comedy Gold: Sprite Commercials

Sprite Ads Nix Creepy Thirst Guy for Creepier Sublymonal Advertising.

Coca-Cola began a startlingly creepy ad campaign last month for what is perhaps it's least creepy beverage: Sprite. Yes, Sprite, the soft drink that you were given when your "tummy hurt" is now a limitless source of nightmare fuel. Don't believe me? Lay your eyes on this:

Sumo

That one isn't too bad. But I believe I did scream audibly when this came on the other day:

Spa

I give you my reaction:


SWEET MERCIFUL GOD!!!!

Now then, after reading up a little on this new ad campaign (especially since they have these ads and more playing in the lobby at Coke) I found out that despite the apparent creepiness of the ads, they do have an innovative feature: If viewers with DVRs record the ads and watch them slowly, they will see embedded content, including codes that can be entered into a web site to receive content. (Source: AP)

Still, this did not satisfy my curiousity. Especially since, in my experience at least, the majority of the Sprite drinkers are like these folks:

"Hi. We're old."

I didn't fully understand the marketing to this demographic when they had "Thirst," you know the little action figure guy that would say "Show them my MOTTO!" but this seemed like a BIG step in the wrong direction. So I used some of my clout to contact the marketing guru behind these ads. And, you guessed it, he was unavailable for comment.

Unavailable for Comment

So I went back to downloading the clips of the commecials and playing them back on my computer to find some of these "codes" and "embedded content." I did find one, and I could't agree with it more.

code: whatthe?

As in:


My thoughts exactly.

Ask Dirty Harry!

Harry Callahan, Inspector 71 of the San Francisco Police Department Takes Your Calls!

"A Man's Got To Know His Limitations."

Anonymous asks: "So Harry i have some problems with a few friends. They wont talk to me anymore and are being complete jerks. What do you think i should do to get them to listen to me???"

The next time you see these friends, grab them by the collar and say "Listen, punk. To me you're nothin' but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits ya!" That should straighten them out.

Blueman would like to know: "There is this girl I've known for a few years. She keeps sending me mixed signals. Every time I pursue she disappears for a few weeks, only to show back up and rub her chest on me like I'm supposed to do something about it. Then when I try, I get red carded and sent to the penalty box. What should I do?"

When she starts giving you signals be playful, yet slightly disinterested. As soon as she asks "What's a girl got to do to go to bed with you?" smile and respond "Try knocking on the door?"

Michelle was wondering: "If the pope shits in the woods, and a butterfly flaps it's wings, will it snow next week?"

Hypothetical situation, huh? All right, I'm standing on the street corner, and Mrs. Grey there comes up and propositions me. She says if I come home with her, for $5 she'll put on an exhibition with a Shetland pony...

Gregor's gots to know: "Do y'all's people eat oatmeal?"

Of course. Why, you ask? Because nobody, but nobody, puts ketchup on a hot dog anymore!

Sheriff Bart was curious about: "Where the white women at?"

It keeps comin' up hookers. Check Buchinski's. For $75, you get to make it with a rubber dolly.

(Previously recorded. Do not call in.)

Advice Column

Special Guest Columnist: Harry Callahan

"Go ahead. Make my day.

Harry Callahan of the San Francisco Police Department is here to answer your questions and give you advice. Harry's a straight shot, a little dirty, but he gets the job done. So post a question and Harry will answer it tomorrow.

Need down to earth advice? Afraid your friends aren't telling the truth? Ask Harry!

Check back tomorrow for Harry's answers.

The MacGyver Guide to Office Survival

Each and every day we are faced with one or more difficult situations from which there is no apparent escape. But after a careful analysis of these situations, I have found that escape is indeed possible. All we need to do is take a few cues from our good friend: MacGyver.

"A paperclip can be a wondrous thing. More times than I can remember, one of these has gotten me out of a tight spot."

What follows are just a few of the possible difficult situations you may find yourself in at the office and a helpful MacGyverism to get you through it. While it would be impossible to list every situation and how to free yourself, hopefully this list will inspire you to use your own ingenuity to free yourself from any sticky situation.

You have a presentation to give and you haven't completed the PowerPoint file!


There is no need to panic. Prior to the meeting locate the circuit breaker for the building. After locating the breaker for the room the meeting will be in (this may require a little trial and error) all you need to do is set up a time-delayed device to flip the switch! You should have a bottle of water, a stick and some string. Set up the stick like a level and attach the bottle of water to one end of the stick and the breaker switch to the other using the string. Poke a hole in the bottle so that the water drains out. If you time this correctly, it should throw the switch just before you get to the unfinished part of your presentation. As an added bonus the lights will go out, giving you an opportunity to escape undetected.



You're having a conference call and you know your boss is going to come by for an impromptu meeting at your desk after it is done!


Again, fear not. This one does take a little planning. During the call, quickly but carefully begin seperating the rubber from the cloth in the elastic waistband of your underwear. Don't lose this because it will be VERY important. In fact, you should be reminded of its importance by the sudden lack of support you are getting from your undergarments. Now, set this aside. Immediately after the call ends disassemble the phone. Take out the bullets you took from the guard on your way in (you did remember to take bullets from the guard, right?) Pull the bullets apart and sprinkle the gunpowder in the phone. Reassemble and email a coworker, instructing them to call you in two minutes. As soon as your boss arives you should get a phone call and the phone should explode. Use the chaos as a diversion and run for the window, tie one end of the elastic to something sturdy and the other end to your belt and jump, using the elastic as a bungee. Once on the ground, run for your life.



You've just received an email informing you that your deadline has been moved from two weeks away to TWO DAYS away!


Again, remain calm. Go to the bathroom and remove the metal faucet from the sink. Bring this back to your desk and start winding it with copper cabling (you're in an office. That stuff is everywhere). Then connect the ends of the cable to two 12 volt batteries (there should be some in the supply closet). Place your new electromagnet on your PC and watch you problems go away!



You are on your way to a meeting where you are about to get blamed for something!


On your death march to the meeting, stop by the break room and get a coffee cup. Then head for the supply closet and fill the cup with ammonia. Take this with you to your meeting. As soon as you walk in, trip and spill it on the floor. Act embarrassed and start to clean it up. Work yourself up until you throw up. The acid in the vomit combined with the ammonia should create a thick fog allowing you to elude your pursuers. Even if it doesn't work, the smell should stun them.



You are required to attend a team-building event and the office is aware of your previous escape attempts!


This is going to require your most ingenious plan yet! Prior to the event you will need to acquire a few things (and these may not be readily available from the supply closet, but check there first)! You will need a mast bag, some water, helium, rope and some naval signal flags. Before the meeting starts, soak the mast bag in water to make it air-tight then fill it with helium. Tie off the end with the rope and attach four flags to the end, one for each letter in the word H-E-L-P. Release this prior to the event and hope for the best!

As you can see, there are a number of ways to get out of almost any situation you may find yourself in. All it takes is some quick thinking and a well stocked supply closet. If you don't have a well-stocked supply closet, you may want to pick some stuff up and keep it in a drawer. Expense it! List them as Miscellaneous Supplies. You won't regret it!

"If I had some duct tape, I could fix that. "

On Behalf of the Company: Here's Your Watch...

...Don't Let the Door Hit You Where the Good Lord Split You!

In case you missed it, last week's US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT had a long story encouraging Baby Boomers not to retire! Wait a minute here. NOT RETIRE? You've got to be kidding me! You mean to tell me that I can no longer count down the days until I no longer have to work with people like this:

"I need that report on my desk by Monday. Hey, have you seen my bong?"

Well, in fairness to US NEWS etc., they did have some valid points. Their reasons are as follows (Emphasis, their's; Comments, mine):

1. It literally pays to work, and MONEY can buy peace of mind.
   Because the longer you wait to retire, the greater the chances that there will be no Social Security--which means no money or peace of mind. Yeah. Thanks for that, by the way.
   
   
2. The Economy may face a SHORTAGE of qualified workers.
   After all, your generation has outsourced all of the other jobs that would qualify workers to do your jobs. Thanks again!
   
   
3. Working can boost your HEALTH, keeping you active and sharp.
   You're still going to die. Sorry. Hey, at least this way the rest of us can bet on whether you will "shuffle off this mortal coil" at your desk, or "run down the curtain and join the choir invisible" in the shitter. I want to put $20 on the shitter!
   
   
4. Your MARRIAGE may profit from a little less togetherness.
   God knows, anything to spend time away from Mrs. Potatohead!
   
   
5. Without those pesky E-mails, you'd feel a loss of CONNECTION
   Heaven forbid, you'd actually have to talk to your spouse!
   
   
6. You can use this time of your life for a whole NEW BEGINNING
   In Florida. With everyone else who has outlived their usefulness.
   
   
7. Work may add MEANING to your later life
   Especially since its the only source of meaning in your current life
   

(If you are interested in reading the full article, and I'm sure you are, click here to go to USNews.com.)

Seriously! This is the way nature intended things to be! You start work full of ambition. You get set in your ways. You rise to your own level of incompetence. You screw things up. And then: You retire! Leaving a mess for the next generation to clean up. And trust me, the Baby Boomer generation has left quite a mess. You've done your job and then some. Now go!

I mean, my generation has to go into work, listen to your whacked out ideas and pretend that they are the best thing we've ever heard all the while in the back of our minds thinking "One day, this burn out will retire and we can fix this." Now we need to wait until you DIE??!

"I was doing your job when Reagan was President. I know how things are supposed to be."

If you hang in there for even ten years past your prime, you are continuing to do indelible damage while at the same time reducing the amount of time we have to fix it. You are disrupting progress! Besides, by that point you will have taken our generation's love for our jobs, aborted it, cut it into tiny pieces and fed it back to us. While all we can do is say "Mmm, yummy."

Oh wait. You've done that already.

Here's your watch. Now go!